You devote hours of the day texting and just considering him. Hair and outfits perfectly planned, every date you're dressed to kill. You decide to go the extra mile just to lead him to smile, you allow tirelessly to fulfill his every whim and become at his beckon call. The simple truth is, you really care about him… a great deal.
Yet, each night you're left pondering one question: Does he really worry about me?
The silence of each unanswered message shatters your heart; the way he pulls away whenever you hang on to him eats away at the soul. He constantly forgets you, and apologies aren't really his thing. Compliments rarely caress your ears, just like the sweet kisses on your forehead that almost never come.
But, once the light is simply right and everything's perfectly falling into position, he whispers that he's so deeply into you he never wants the night time to end.
Your chest feels heavy. It's almost impossible to swallow. You are able to barely breathe. Tears form and fall, gently gliding down your cheeks the way you wish his fingers would. Even when he's there, you somehow feel- alone.
Deep down, you realize the truth: if he actually liked you, you wouldn't have to be worrying if he did.
If he actually looked after you, you'd listen to it in his voice.
Excitement and joy would resound within the overtones; love and adoration would drip from the vibrations of his vocal cords. There'd be no question in the words because they'd be deep, refreshing, and true. Every text message would show his fondness, and each moment together could be his opportunity to make you feel such as the most special a part of his world.
But rather, all you hear are lackluster confessions and monotone conversations. You feel the necessity to question constantly what he's thinking and just how he feels about you. Even if he says he cares, something inside of you bubbles with questions and 2nd guesses. You want him to adore you, but something screams that perhaps he never really did.
If he really wanted you, you'd view it in his body.
Smiles and jubilation would cover his face; desire would burn as he moved his body nearer to yours. His palms might be sweaty because he reaches for the hand, or his heart may pound out of his chest as the lips meet. Every movement would be delicate and purposeful to be able to shower you with affection and provide you with pleasure.
Yet whatever you see is tension in the muscles and stern looks upon his face. His movements are deliberate but avoidant, he only hesitantly touches you and also rarely caresses your face or showers you in kisses. Your body burns with passionate desire, but it is constantly met together with his tries to snuff it.
If he actually loved you, you'd feel it in his soul.
There'd be depth and need glimmering in the eyes; shades of red and pink would gleam within his aura. The passionate energy would radiate from his body into everything and everybody around him. You would feel his love for you deep within your gut, you'd realize it to be true with every fiber of the being.
But, alas, instead of fiery passion, the one thing you feel from him is really a hollow apathy. His eyes are a clear void into an unexcited, stone cold soul. There are hints of life, that his heart is beating- but it's not for you.
The reality stings. It burns your skin and crushes your heart, so you've been avoiding it, residing in a safety net of false hopes mixed with delusional dreams. But, deep-down guess what happens the signs are telling you and you may read all the signals with great skill.
If he actually liked you, you would not be wondering if he did.
So, allow your heart to become free as well as your spirit to interrupt from the shackles that false love has placed on you. He doesn't like you, he never really did, but that's this is not on you, my dear. You deserve so much love, love that he simply doesn't have to provide. Fly away, liberate, escape the prison of infatuation he's put you in and accept what your heart has known this whole time.
Eventually, you will find the person that teaches you that real love isn't filled with fear and questioning, but excitement and exuberant adoration. So when you discover that man who actually likes you, you won't be asking yourself if he is doing because you'll simply know.
Previously Published on Thought Catalog
