A while ago, I'd be that person: The one who was drinking to “celebrate” any and each occasion. Eventually, it turned into drinking with friends with no reason to celebrate because which was the only way we knew how to talk. Miraculously, I could simply take a few sips of my drink, and my social anxiety would be gone. I could talk to anyone about anything. It became a craft, even an art. What drink could I make from whatever I had?
Soon, I started drinking for virtually any reason. A friend came into town? Time for a drink. A relative I don't know how you can talk to? Here we are at another drink. There's a drink for everything! A glass or two because I managed to get throughout the day, a drink since i scored that job interview, a glass or two since it is vacation! I just kept drinking to get through the remaining evening, and when I felt horrible each morning, I would take another drink to make myself feel a little better.
Eventually, I watched a friend get identified as having cirrhosis from the liver. I watched them suffer and find themselves in the hospital each week. Yet, they would get the bottle again every single day and become the life span from the party. I watched as they slowly wasted their life away. Finally, they died prior to the age of 30. It didn't seem sensible.
When I had been younger, I had been told alcohol could do that to people. I had been told it might kill people too.
I often see that my relationships were strained; they were different when I was drinking. I wasn't myself when I was drinking. The decisions I made weren't really mine. Instead, they were decisions drunk-me made. I came to be meaner, angrier, and much more frustrated with people. I needed another drink and so i could be nicer. And I have no idea basically actually was nicer, but I thought I had been. In reality, I wasn't.
In fact, I was an angry drunk. I acquired easily irritated, said hurtful things, after which took their laughter of those around me as another thing. I didn't realize just how much my words were hurting people. It had not been only my words which were hurting people, though. My actions hurt people as well. They'd see me drinking every single day and every night, finding another reason to drink.
The people around me were suffering, but I did not know. Maybe, I did know, but I didn't care. I felt on top of the world. That was until my friend passed away. Then, I saw how their family felt. There wasn't a dry eye at this funeral. These were put in the ground before these were 30. I saw a mother have to bury the youngster – something no mother should have to complete. Everyone at this funeral was suffering. Next, I did not want a drink.
A week later, I still didn't want a drink.
I didn't seem like I needed a glass or two whatsoever, maybe no more. But, off course, that did not stick. There have been days Used to do want to drink. There were days I wanted nothing more than to consider another drink. I did not wish to drink to keep in mind any of the fun times, and I didn't wish to drink to have a great time. Instead, I wanted to drink to forget.
It's almost like the line in the song “Hotel California:” “Some dance to keep in mind, some dance to forget.” I wanted to dance with alcohol to forget everything. But I didn't want to be that person anymore. And so i finally opened my eyes and escaped. Initially, using alcohol to escape felt like the best decision That i have ever made. However, that stopping my alcohol use was the best decision I've ever made.
I feel healthier now. My state of mind is within a much better place than it has ever been.
It was not a simple road, and that i won't lie that it has. I can't say there's not days I'd love a drink. I also can't state that it's not hard battling those times. It's also annoying to become asked why I'm not drinking. How can it's any fun without alcohol?
The response is simple, though: It's fun because I chose life. I chose to live my life and to remember my entire life. I wish to remember what I'm doing. And I wish to remember my nights. I want to remember my buddies, my loved ones, and the times we have together, regardless of how awkward or anxious I may feel. I chose sobriety because I want to live. And that i don't wish to exist from moment to moment. I wish to live. Most significantly, Irrrve never want my mom to be the mother at the funeral, crying until she can't anymore because she lost her child to alcohol.
If you or someone you know is handling a drug abuse issue, please call the Drug abuse and Mental Health Services Hotline (SAMHSA). It's free, confidential, and open 24/7, One year annually. 1-800-HELP(4357)
