It's the most wonderful season! Thanks for visiting Benuary. Where we're all gathered around our televisions watching Ben Higgins find love with some of America’s (and Russia’s?) eligible bachelorettes. This year, let’s attempt to remember what truly matters in life: finding love ABC’s requirements to be a contestant is a great headshot/pose and also you must weigh 100-125 pounds.
As everyone knows, #BachelorNation, was heartbroken when Ben didn't get a rose from Kaitlyn Bristowe, although not really because he’s s i n g l e. Now, everything has taken a turn for him since he'll be the one giving out roses while Chris Harrison assures us each week will be the most dramatic episode within the good reputation for ABC’s The Bachelor.
Here are the brutally honest rankings of this seasons contestants from the Bachelor:
Amanda “Mandi” K. – 28, Dentist, Portland, Oregon
AKA “THE HORROR MOVIE DENTIST”
Mandi, who is a bit available, turned up wearing a huge rose on her behalf head, so she's a minimum of not the typical Bachelor girl we have seen. She claimed she picked it in the garden and the man can “pollinate it later”…uh, if I understood that correctly, she wants him to jizz on her head? Got it. She also identifies like a girl who drinks an excessive amount of and I really hope we get to determine this attribute in all its glory on the program.
Amanda S. – 25, Esthetician, Rancho Santa Margarita, California
AKA “THE MOM”
Amanda is a mother of two adorable daughters, and knows a shit ton about faces. She’s pretty normal, I suppose (so far), except her voice seems like she’s constantly sick… If only her now this season, but let’s be truthful here…the moms never win.
Amber – 30, Bartender, Chicago, Illinois
AKA “THE MASOCHIST”
Amber was previously on Chris Soules' season of The Bachelor as well as last season's Bachelor in Paradise. I occur to like her personality as much as I've seen it on the program(s) but this is beginning to get depressing. Does she enjoy being rejected on live television or something like that?
Becca – 30, Chiropractic assistant, North park, California
AKA “THE VIRGIN”
Like Amber, Becca has also returned from the dead Chris Soules’ season, that is funny because she was the runner-up on Chris' season, which happened just one last year? Does she imagine she will be a good complement any man simply because he's The Bachelor? And that i know we’re all wondering if she is still a virgin.
Caila – 23, Software Sales Representative, Hudson, Ohio
AKA “CATCH & RELEASE”
Caila ends up having exactly the same career as Ben. There's nothing offensive about her which makes her depressing there is however nothing exciting that makes her stand out either. She just seems…meh. Also, how the f*ck do we pronounce her name again, cause all I’m considering is Caillou.
Emily – 22, Twin, Las Vegas, Nevada
AKA “DUMB”
Emily's occupation is 'twin'? Let’s just let that sink in for a moment. They're saying “you can’t beat this…” (in reference to the fact they are twins) but, I’m sorry, you certainly can ‘beat this’, just ask Chris Brown. Too much?
Haley – 22, Twin, Vegas, Nevada
AKA “DUMBER”
Haley is Emily’s said ‘twin’. Literally the same f*cking thing you read above. I’m over this shit.
Jackie – 23, Gerontologist, Bay area, California
AKA “SAVE THE CRAZY”
Jackie is a 'gerontologist' which in the event you don’t know what that is, don’t worry I googled it for both our sakes, it means you study aging. Which I think is kinda cool unless it's completely composed and she just like sells skincare products or something. Also, she thought giving Ben a fake Save The Date for their future “wedding” could be cute, not crazy. I’ll give it a try next time I see someone I love, cause guys like this shit, right?
Jami – 23, Bartender, St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
AKA “CANADA”
Jami's favorite book is The Crucible which means someone assigned that to her in senior high school or college and she or he doesn't read anything in her own life coupled with to choose something. She also knows Kaitlyn Bristowe, which makes sense after Kaitlyn supposedly telling Jami that Ben includes a “really, really, really, really, big…heart.” Is being perverted like a requirement to reside in Canada or something, if so, I believe I’m residing in the incorrect country.
Jennifer – 25, Small business operator, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
AKA “HE DOESN’T Have to REMEMBER MY NAME”
Jennifer apparently likes tanning in the nude, so she’s adventurous with a bit of a risky/risqué side. She also forgot to tell him her name, sooo maybe she’s been getting a little burning from the sun.
Joelle “Jo Jo” – 24, Property Developer, Dallas, Texas
AKA “THE UNICORN”
Jo Jo is a southern girl who likes Jesus, pizza, and wine. She also likes emerging from limos in a unicorn mask and then telling Ben to “come find me later.” It would be super creepy and weird if she wasn’t so cute, and when she would be a guy.
Jubilee – 24, War Veteran, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
AKA “BADASS MOTHER F*CKER”
Jubilee is a war veteran that is super kickass so she's to be the 'less depressing' end of the spectrum. The only downfall is she is your typical female and says “like” one too many times in her own sentences.
Lace – 25, Realtor, Denver, Colorado
AKA “THE AGGRESSIVE DRUNK”
Lace steals the very first kiss from Ben, after which attempts to steal another one later, and gets denied here real quick. Shots fired! Apparently if she’s thinking about you, and also you know it, you best get real creepy together with your eye contact. This bitch be crazy. She’s even the drunk from the group, because it’s not The Bachelor/Bachelorette without a lush. We later hear she gave among the girls in the home a black eye. Around I personally don't like her, I can’t wait to determine what kind of drama she’s going to stir up.
Lauren “LB” B. – 23, Fashion Buyer, Stillwater, Oklahoma
AKA “WHO?”
LB doesn’t appear to be too memorable by right now. But according to her bio she appears like a “fun, free-spirited” girl. Her occupation is “fashion buyer”…sooo she’s just a shopper, she literally buys fashion? Cool. I suppose we can all include that job title to our resumes too.
Lauren B. – 25, Flight Attendant, Marina Del Ray, California
AKA “IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU BETTER Place a WING ON IT”
Lauren claims she will be #Mrs.Higgins, and I’m thinking #No, simply because she used a stupid hashtag. She was the first out of the limo and Ben appeared to like her. After she walked inside, he said that it was a “great start to the night.” So, you never know, I could be wrong.
Lauren H. – 25, Kindergarten Teacher, Ann Arbor, Michigan
AKA “The final LAUREN…FINALLY”
Lauren is a kindergarten teacher. Honestly, what is it with this show and ladies being kindergarten teachers? Are there literally no other kinds of individuals who audition?
Leah – 25, Event Planner, Denver, Colorado
AKA “MY NEW BEST FRIEND”
Leah is twerking on your wall inside a bridesmaid dress yourself in her Bachelor audition tape and it is getting her tattoos lasered off, so she's no stranger to regrettable decisions. This could alllow for some truly awesome television. Besides Leah basically being a dude inside a gown, she's potential to be my new BFF. I’m just concerned why she thought squatting, spreading her legs, lifting her dress up, and throwing a football to Ben would be a good idea. Awk.
Olivia – 23, News Anchor, Austin, Texas
AKA “CUTE BUT CRAZY”
Olivia’s biggest fear has been alone. I feel you girl. I want to say she seems super nice and perfect, however i don’t know, previews of future episodes allow it to be appear to be she’s pretty fake and lies about everything. Also, we’re both the same age, the way the actual f*ck is she a news anchor and I’m struggling to put pants on each morning?
Rachel – 23, Unemployed, Little Rock, Arkansas
AKA “WANNABE TROPHY WIFE”
Rachel is unemployed and wishes to possess a husband, house, kids, dogs, and money. Long list of demands for somebody who doesn’t possess a job… Her longest relationship failed out because her boyfriend was “more thinking about being popular” than dating her. Is the fact that a thing?! Did this relationship happen in senior high school? She also turned up on a hover board…who bought you that? Daddy? I really hope the battery catches on fire.
Samantha – 26, Attorney, New Smyrna Beach, Florida
AKA “THE TRAGIC LIFE STORY”
Samantha seems to be the most family oriented one out of the audience, because her “parent’s approval means everything.” Gag me now. She also looks a hell of a lot older than what her bio says. And it wouldn’t be The Bachelor with no tragic family story, just like the drunk, there’s always one.
Shushanna – 27, Mathematician, Salt Lake City, Utah
AKA “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE”
Shushanna is that this seasons spanner; she doesn’t even speak English…cause which makes perfect f*cking sense. I’m hoping she sticks around for a bit or possibly for the whole season and *cue plot twist* she actually can speak perfect English, she only agreed to be mind f*cking everyone for the hell from it. Otherwise, i quickly don’t know why the hell she’s even on this show.
I don’t know about you, but Ben must quickly eliminate a shit ton of these girls because writing this piece was exhausting and I’m ready for a drink. Woof. I honestly don’t even know why Ben is on this show… Everything he could ever want inside a girl, is me. So, like, hi?
This season I’m getting excited about the lies, backstabs, and drama, much like all of you. And to quote the badass Jubilee, “All’s fair for each other and war, right?”, so, bring the claws out and allow the games begin ladies. Scroll right down to take a poll on whom you think Ben will pick to marry him!
Check back in a few days for that recap from the next episode! The Bachelor airs Monday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
